Think about how many times you’ve gone to see a local band and while their music might be stellar, the members looked like museum displays of rock movements past and present? One member takes the stage in faded jeans ripped at the knee, high top sneakers and an over-washed retro tee, another routinely watches "Queer Eye...", and the third still owns a pair of pink spandex pants, while the fourth can’t walk through a metal detector without setting it off and always gets his person and bags searched. Now imagine, if you will, years spent writing about indie bands - you have just scratched the surface of our horror.

Sergio and I have often joked that we should found a Rock School - instructional seminars for aspiring bands/artists covering everything from fashion and image to professionalism and business sense. While we couldn’t guarantee platinum success or even a bus ticket across county lines, graduates of our program would never waste an opportunity because of ignorance, ego, or just boneheaded stupidity or neglect. And the best part is that the skills we teach are applicable in any number of situations!

However, in lieu of a full blown syllabus of Media Relations 101, I thought I’d offer some real life examples of faux pas committed that, while not necessarily career destructing, certainly don’t make a good first impression or inspire a continued working relationship. Consider it the advertising pamphlet for the real thing.

1. One of the publicists we work with on a regular basis has never learned how to compress jpg’s (photo files) and every press release she sends out includes a press photo of the artist in question. Why is this a problem? 100 -150K e-mails are not only completely unnecessary, they often cause our already bulging in-boxes to start bouncing, resulting in Kimmie’s ulcer flaring up. Plus, the attached photo is too big to be viewed in the e-mail window so we’re unable to gaze upon your cute faces, nice bodies, or great artwork.

2. Don’t send us a cutesy e-mail (or any e-mail for that matter) with a link to your Website. Even if it is smothered in imaginative compliments, we’re too busy to look at it and we probably already have some artist blaring from our speakers anyway. Take the time to find out how to submit your music for review correctly. Seriously - if you can’t follow directions, why are we going to invest time on you when there are plenty of other people who can figure it out. [Damn, thanks for making us sound like your second grade teacher!]

3. Make sure your press release actually has something to report as opposed to a mini-bio that will leave us asking "And?" Recently an online publicity group has taken to deluging us with memos about their clients regarding basic information and while we’re glad they’ve found a revenue stream, we’re not sure their clients will obtain the exposure they’re hoping for. Magazines in general aren’t interested in This Is Your Life notifications.

4. Since we’re on the topic: When submitting material for review, make sure to include at least a rudimentary description of your band’s sound. Intriguing but accurate statements aid in getting your CD to the proper writer. Not to mention, Cristy’s head will explode if she has to preview every artist before assigning the CD. Post It Notes do NOT count!

5. When you do send us an e-mail, always, ALWAYS put an appropriate and descriptive subject line. With the rampant amounts of spam arriving with either "hello" or "hi" or no subject at all, this little oversight will result in a gleeful deletion because the Goddess knows we have more than enough email to wade through.

6. Absolutely and with NO exceptions, do NOT send your correspondence to more than one address. We’re talkers and we’ll find out - then we’ll curse you and send you to cyber-trash. Take a couple of extra seconds and discover the appropriate address.

7. When you send a press kit for review, pay attention to the result. If you notice the writer has made a mistake - but you were too busy getting drunk and laid to read the review for three months - don’t bother contacting the writer. You didn’t care enough about your own career to follow your press, why should the writer be concerned with accuracy?

8. If you spot the error immediately and subsequently contact the writer, here is the proper method:

Hi (insert name of writer here)

Thanks so much for taking the time to review our CD. However, I noticed you wrote "(first song) showed a serious, sensitive side. It almost didn’t belong on the CD, especially right after (second song)." In actuality (first song) is not listed after (second song).

Thanks again, we appreciate the feedback!
Joe RockStarWannaBe
www.signmybandplease.com

The following is a perfect example of what NOT to do. (Yes, this is an actual e-mail we received):

this is (name changed to save him from himself) from www.bandwithoutaclue.com
you wrote, "(song 1) showed a serious, sensitive side. It almost didnt belong on CD, especially right before the dark (song 2)."
Song 1 is not before song 2

Example One nets you an apology and probable correction while Example Two a spot on our Loser List.

9. If a media outlet offers you free publicity, by all means TAKE it. Viper at the Nothingface show (http://www.scorerocks.com/072003/nothingfacelive7-03.html) attempted to speak with all the bands on the bill, local or national, and was completely blown off by the so-called singer of a very young rap-rock Cleveland band. It should be no surprise this same band badmouthed others at a recent area televised competition then attempted to cheat to win. On a much more minor note, I offered up our Quickie questions to a mailing list of supposedly dedicated musicians. Five or ten minutes and a jpg later, your band is introduced to 40,000 readers a month. Out of 60 subscribers, I received three replies.

10. And finally, spell check and read over any "professional" correspondence before hitting the Send button. A press release I received recently contained this subject line: "Can you please put something about this on you site." The rest of the email read as follows:

name remove production in parentership with name also removed will be bring you a battle of the bands. Will be held at rock clubs around the area club one, club two and club three. First round will be held at the club with well know judges. Winner will be o?n the sound track and move o?n to the grand prize round at club four with Suppise headline act. Enteies must be in by date

CLICK COMMENT

The grand prize winner will be in a music video in the moive "name removed to prevent their humiliation". How to enter: Send a Upto date promo Pack and CD, any other media will be welcomed. Send to They should be embarrassed enough by this, I'm not calling them out (find o?n this web page) or removed Entertianment address removed

Let me count the errors for you.
*You = your
*no capitalization on the name of the first production company
*parentership = partnership
*no capitalization on Battle of the Bands
*Sentence fragment of "Will be held at rock clubs around the area (club one, club two and club three)," should read something like "The competition will be held at (club one, club two, and club three)."
*well know = well known
*o-n = on
*grand prize = Grand Prize
*suppise = surprise
*enteies = entries
*moive = movie
*Upto date promo Pack = Up to date Promo-Pack or Updated Promo-Pack
*o-n = on
*Entertianment = Entertainment

There was a spelling error in the address as well but I think I’ve made my point.

This completes our first class of Rock Pre-School. Please remember you must have your tuition to the Bursar’s office by Friday or you will be removed from the class roster for the semester!

Bonus tip just for tuning in:
Do not send an e-mail to an online magazine asking them if they reviewed your album and if so, would they please send you a copy of the review for your press clippings. Most sites have a search function - use it. Otherwise, wade through their reviews and attempt to locate it yourself. Better yet, keep better records of who you submit your press kit to and when.